The first half hour of work was okay, but then I started sweating and having trouble breathing. I went outside to get some air, but it was useless. I was unable to do anything productive, so my supervisor told me to go home. I went to clock out, but suddenly my stomach started going crazy. I ended up running into the manager’s office, grabbing the nearest trash can and filling it with vomit.
Sometimes throwing up makes you feel better; it’s like your body’s own quick fix. After I threw up, I felt better, so I told my supervisor I was willing to stay. But the feeling was short-lived; a few minutes later, I was worse than before. I got dizzy and nauseated, so I told Eminem (Emily M.) that I could no longer work. She called over my supervisor, who once again told me to go home. But at this point, I could barely walk, so I just sat where I was for ten minutes.
When I got the strength, I made my way to the bathroom. But this time, I felt a strong attack of diarrhea coming on, or as Dave Chappelle would call it, mudbutt. For my entire life, I have been strongly against sh**ting in public restrooms. Sunday was one of the few moments I had to make an exception. I threw down my pants, hopped my ass on the seat and held on for dear life. It was rough. I felt something like Ewan McGregor in Trainspotting, or maybe Jeff Daniels in Dumb and Dumber.
Post-mudbutt, I had the urge to vomit again. I started filling up the toilet before it could even finish flushing.
I eventually managed to leave work, but I knew that I had a very small window before I would have another attack. I’m not even sure how I drove because everything was a blur at that point. I just know that instead of going to my apartment, I went to my parents’ house, where they took care of me for the night. From when I got there until I went to sleep (6pm-1am), my night consisted of throwing up every 20 minutes and occasional mudbutt. At one point in the middle of the night, I got so dehydrated that I could no longer feel anything below my elbows or knees. I was completely empty. At the beginning of the night, I thought it was either food poisoning or a stomach bug. By the end of the night, I was convinced that it might be malaria or cholera.
I spent yesterday slowly recovering, just hoping that I could hold down food. Today has been the same. My stomach still isn’t right, but stuff like this rarely resolves itself overnight. I suspect the culprit was food poisoning, most likely the peach preserves I put in the oatmeal. I didn't know it at the time, but I found out later that the delicious jelly was hella old.
For the last few weeks, I thought I was so fortunate because I was pretty much the only person at work who hadn’t gotten sick in November or December. The joke was on me. I not only got sick, I got it worse than anyone else. I’m gonna try to return to work tomorrow. Let’s hope that goes better than the last time.
Currently in Rotation: SynthPop
La Roux – “Colourless Colour”
From the album La Roux
