Now you're looking for the secret. But you won’t find it because of course, you're not really looking. You don't really want to work it out. You want to be fooled.
- Cutter, The Prestige
If I asked you two weeks ago, “Which African American celebrity has the most hoes on the planet?” you would probably spew out a long list of rappers, actors and pro ballers, but nowhere on the list would I find Tiger Woods. The thought would never cross your mind, even though he’s rich, famous, and fairly good-looking. I wouldn’t blame you, either. Tiger Woods is a bland, stoic everyman who shows no personality unless he pulls off a thrilling feat on the golf course, which is usually limited to a scream and an arm-pump.
Fast-forward to now, after an embarrassing car accident and domestic dispute, when it was revealed that Tiger Woods had us all fooled. Apparently he had more skanks than a Tijuana strip club. The wedding band on his ring finger didn’t stop him from dipping in cookie jars all over the globe. He may not be at Wilt Chamberlain status (20,000 served!!!), but with no fewer than a dozen women allegedly tied to him after just a few days of investigation, it would appear that he has enough skeletons in his closet to fill a graveyard. Suddenly the wholesome, family-oriented guy we all thought he was proved to be just another womanizer. The only way things could get worse for him is if he were slapped with a paternity suit.
I’m not gonna criticize Tiger for getting some booty on the side. By no means do I endorse or condone infidelity, but I understand that it happens, especially when you’re as rich and popular as he is. Hell, I’m a poor nobody and I gotta fight the ladies off with a shovel. I imagine that Tiger Woods’ life is something like an AXE Body Spray commercial: he enters a room and the girls jump on him like wolves or… umm… tigers.
What surprises me is how many of the plain, quiet, seemingly humble athletes get into trouble. Tiger isn’t alone. For example, I used to think Marvin Harrison was the best receiver in the NFL. I also thought he was professional football’s most boring person. But out of nowhere, he was implicated as the gunman in a shooting, and America suddenly became aware of his secret thug life. Dude never showed a troublemaker streak before, but sure enough, he was a pistol-packin’ gangster.
Steve McNair was the model of athleticism, humility and leadership in the NFL. He was one of their poster boys, a real role model. But after he was killed in a murder-suicide involving his deranged mistress, we discovered he was no better than the worst.
And I think you all remember what happened to Kobe Bryant a few years back.
All of these guys were among the best in their respective sports, but all were very quiet and workmanlike. They all lived very private lives that most believed wouldn’t be worthy of a TLC reality TV show. But then they all got caught up in scandals and the truth came out: these guys are all Jerry Springer material.
When I was younger, people used to say that it’s always the quiet ones who surprise you. I never saw too much of that back in the day, but in my adulthood, I can say it’s definitely true. I guess people with secrets just grow more adept at keeping their secrets hidden, and thus know how to fool us all.
I used to like this old commercial with Kevin Garnett (I think it was Adidas, but maybe it was Gatorade) where he says in the middle of a postgame interview: “You were fooled. You thought it was all about me, but it wasn’t.” I liked the commercial because it highlighted one of the most fascinating aspects of sports and celebrity, which is the tendency of fans to see greatness in athletes as long as they perform well and smile. Neither one of those things really indicate how a person is on the inside. Yet fans, the media, and even athletes perpetuate the notion that an upstanding life in sports equals an upstanding life outside of sports.
In this case, KG had it right. We were fooled.
Currently Listening To: Pop
Duffy – "Warwick Avenue"
From the album Rockferry
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