Golden Girl

Halloween weekend just passed, and if I had to rank this year among Halloweens past, 2009 would be the second best of all-time. Friday night was dinner and clubbing in Pasadena with group of supercool, borderline alcoholic doctors, while Saturday night was split between Beena’s party in Chino Hills and Chris’ party in Ontario. There were lots of highlights, but one in particular deserves mention.

Before I share this story, I should offer a disclaimer: if tales of drunken debauchery aren’t your cup of tea, you might wanna close this window and read some news stories on MSNBC instead. This is not a story about mankind on his best behavior.


Around 1 am, I got to the party in Ontario. I stepped out of my car, walking with a cane and a nice gangster limp. But I wasn’t dressed as a pimp; I was Dr. House from my favorite show, House, MD. I had the cane, the sport coat, a stethoscope, and even a bottle of Vicodin (sorry, no pictures).

When I arrived, everyone was already really drunk, particularly the girls. Nonetheless, I had a good time hanging out with everyone. After a taking shots, playing many rounds of beer pong, and grooving to some funky jams, I hung around ‘til around 3 am. When I sobered up, I said my goodbyes.

I went into the garage to say bye to Chris and the rest of the crew, then went back into the house to leave. When I got into the hallway near the bedrooms, I noticed a really drunk girl standing there like she was about to pass out. I walked closer, but then realized that she was naked. Completely naked. I wasn’t sure what to do, so I asked her. “Can I help you?” The moment I spoke, she started urinating – while still standing – all over the hardwood floor.

Yeah, that happened.

I went back into the garage and informed the host.

Aaron: Dude, uh, I don’t know how to say this but… there’s a naked a girl peeing on the floor in the hallway.
Chris: What the f**k! Who is it?
Aaron: I don’t know. The girl with the lightning bolts on her cheek.
Chris: S**t! Why didn’t you stop her?
Aaron: What am I supposed to do, catch it?
Chris: We gotta handle this.
Aaron: Great!


We go back inside and she’s still in the hallway, still standing, still naked, and somehow, still peeing. Other people overheard me talking to Chris, so they ran inside to see the naked girl who is, quite literally, pissy drunk. Chris rounded them up and sent them away so they wouldn’t see her like that, while I grabbed her by the arm and tried to take her to the bathroom. The girl, who looked like she had no idea what was going on before, suddenly started struggling, so getting her to the bathroom became a real chore. As if it weren’t hard enough to move her along while trying not to step in the liquid gold all over the floor, now she decides to put up a fight.

Oh yeah, and she’s still peeing.

Chris and I finally drag her into the bathroom and she slams and locks the door behind her.

I felt bad that the girl made such a mess, so I agreed to help him clean it up. I rounded up a mop and bucket, filled it with water and cleanser, and started mopping up the hallway. Since hardwood floor gets ruined if it takes on too much water, we had to dry the floor as we went along. So everywhere I scrubbed, he followed it up with a towel to soak it up. When we were done, the hallway was spotless and odor free.

Job well done.

We went to dump out the water and put away the goods, but then we realized that the bathroom door was open. I peeked inside and the girl was gone, but she left her mark. I guess she never got on the toilet. Instead, she just peed all over the floor and went somewhere else, perhaps in search of her clothes. All I know is it looked like the Yellow River in there.

Back to work for us.

By the time we finished, nearly everyone who was still left at the party was passed out. Chris and I went outside and chatted about our Fantasy football teams. I congratulated him for throwing a wild party and left left. When I got home, I took an extra long shower. Though I didn’t get a drop of pee on me, something about being surrounded by that much urine just makes one feel, well, a little unclean.

A part of me wonders if she remembers any of her drunken behavior now. Probably not. If I ever see her again, I won’t remind her, but I’ll probably call her Golden Girl at least once, even if she doesn’t know why.


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